Ageism In The Gay Community

I was recently responding to a friend's blog about some of the problems within the gay community, which inspired me to write this blog.

The truth is, Ageism is extremely prominent within the gay community. If you are an older man who makes a habit of going to gay bars and clubs, you are thought of as "creepy" by the younger gay crowd. What a shame.

I have personally been to clubs where someone who is a bit older was in attendance, and I was shocked by how often I had overheard people saying things like "look at that old guy over there, I hope he doesn't talk to me". How rude and snobbish can you be?

It's a fact that within the gay community there is too much emphasis on superficial matters. This obviously plays a part in the rampant ageism. 

I admit there are some creepy older guys on the prowl for hookups out there, but they're no different than the younger gay sluts who are on the prowl as well. It's just that if you're older or considered "ugly", you are creepy. If you are younger and considered attractive, you can engage in this same behavior, and not be considered creepy. Does this sound logical?

Despite that category (hookup prowlers), there are plenty of older gay men who are simply lonely and looking for love just as we young guys are. Why should they be limited to someone their own age, and why should there be limitations upon where they can and cannot go to socialize or look for love? Love crosses all spectrums. A lot of older gay men might be "new" and have finally come out of the closet and are just looking for love and companionship and don't know where to start other than going to a club and talking to the majority of who is there: younger gay guys. The younger guys can be extremely judemental toward older men who are simply looking for the same things we are.

I've personally spoken with a very nice 62 year old gentleman while at a club. He enjoys going to clubs, he's very "with it" when it comes to popular culture, and enjoys the music and atmosphere of a club. He is recently divorced and out of the closet. All he is looking for some friends and potentially a boyfriend. He said whenever he goes out, he feels depressed about the fact that no one approaches him, and often if he approaches someone to make conversation, they don't seem to want to engage in it because of his age. There is nothing creepy about this man, he is simply a lonely guy in need of companionship. Yet younger gays think that possessing a sense of youthful style, hot bodies, and an upper hand on what's in and what isn't makes them too good even just for a friendship with an older man.

There are a lot of young gay guys who are into older guys, "daddies", if you will. These guys look for older guys to date, and it's generally not considered a problem. But whenever an older guy looks for younger guys, it's suddenly "creepy" and "wrong". Age is simply a number. If there is attraction, and mutual interest, why should it matter if a 20 year old is with a 48 year old (or older)?

It saddens me that ageism is still incredibly acceptable in society. I have more to say regarding this subject, but I'll save that for another time. 

Staying in Touch with Your Inner Child

I've been told several times by those older than I that I am too "soft" or too "naive".

People tell me I forgive others too easily and I'm setting myself up to get hurt by people. It's not a issue of myself being naive. I am well aware of what I am getting into with situations.

As children, most of us are very happy-go lucky, very optimistic, and very forgiving. Very Trusting. Obviously if we've had a traumatic childhood that is not the case. For those who have had more or less a happy childhood, have you retained any of that child-like wonder? I think that childlike innocence is extremely beautiful. And unfortunately, as we go through life, many of us become hardened by our life experiences. We are wronged, betrayed, and weathered by the cruelty and harshness life can sometimes dish out to us. We hold grudges, we become unforgiving, we become untrusting of others. Also, many people develop a bit of racism or negative ideas about certain races/cultures groups, if certain stereotypes are influenced in our direction. 

This is not to say one should allow themselves to be taken advantage of. I don't allow myself to be taken advantage of by people and never will. We can remove harmful individuals or those who have wronged us from our lives if we are being hindered, as preservation of emotional and mental health should definitely be #1. But... we should also forgive, for all grudges and hatred do are blacken our hearts and blindfold our souls.

I think it's heartbreaking. Obviously this world is not always a beautiful place, but I want to always retain a pure heart. I've never let myself develop that hard shell and I'm proud of myself for that. What is the point of holding grudges or holding hatred or disdain in our hearts??
 
I think it's healthy to retain a relationship with the inner child in all of us, and let him out to play once in while. As children, the world is a magical and wonderous place. Snow falling is one of the most beautiful and exciting things in a child's life. A trip to the zoo, observing an animal outside, discovering the beauty of nature, or experiencing the sheer joy and excitement and warmth of the Christmas spirit. These are simple things that some of us take for granted or grow numb to as we get older and are bogged down by relationships, work, driving, and finances.

But you know what? Next time the snow falls, don't complain about driving, or cleaning your car off. Instead go outside and build a snowman or have a snowball fight. :). On a summer day, take a walk through the woods and admire the beauty of mother nature. Don't send yourself into a frenzy during the holidays because of the impending debt or overload of holiday work you may experience...instead make a cup of hot cocoa, put on a beloved holiday CD, sit near the tree, and look through old pictures of holidays past. Lose the frustration, if just for a short while, and recapture the joy. 

Life is hard, but it is also relatively short. Feed your soul once in awhile and let loose now and then without the use of alcohol or other "adult-related" methods of letting loose. Cheesy, maybe. But most often it's the "cheesy" things in life that warm our hearts. 

Sluts & Whores.

This is inspired by an ancient discussion I had with a friend around the time Miley Cyrus had released her music video for "Can't Be Tamed". In this video, Miley unashamedly displays a bolder, sexier persona, which had left a bad taste in people's mouths. Bear in mind this was still while Hannah Montana was on the air and Miley was still considered a Disney-esque teen queen. I can't begin to remember how often I saw the words "slut" and "whore" thrown around throughout the music blogosphere. This is something that's gotten under my skin many times. People cried "slut" when Mariah first shed her girl-next-door image and stripped into a teeny tiny bikini back in 1997. People cried "whore" when Britney Spears danced around in seductive schoolgirl attire. Throughout history, we've belittled women simply for growing up and connecting with their sensual, sexual side.

                               

Part of growing up and becoming a woman (or man) is getting in touch with your sensual, sexual side. For some, sexuality and being in touch with one's body and desires are a driving force in their life, something they are not ashamed of and definitely not afraid of. In these types of people, their sexuality embodies much of who they are (Madonna). For others, it is a bit more complex, some women fall prey to using their physical sexuality as a crutch, a method of hiding insecurity, and never really seem to "own it". They dress the part but are more or less conservative. Think Mariah.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. This isn't about any of the above mentioned women. It's about all women, and men for that matter. I don't think it's right to call a woman a whore simply because she shows leg and cleavage, and God-forbid, expresses her sexual nature. It's backwards, sexist, and demeaning.

                                                   

Sexuality is as natural as can be, yet it seems we aren't granted our right to be a sexual being without being degraded or looked down upon. What's worse is that there is an incredible divide between how society has determined men and women should express their sexuality. Men can show off their ripped abs and pecs and it's fine, wear sagging pants that display underwear, and even pose nude. There is little to no backlash. If anything, the man is praised by women, and the envy of other men (assuming we are talking about someone who is in great shape). But all a woman has to do is show a bit of cleavage and leg, and she is called out for it, labeled a tramp by both sexes. This extends toward sexual actions as well, but that's a tangent for another time.
                                                      

Examples in the media are Elvis Presley and Boy bands vs. Marilyn Monroe and Britney Spears. Elvis Presley was quite sexual in his performance. His gyrating hips were considered too sexy for television at the time and were censored. Male pop stars often show off their bodies in music videos. The Backstreet Boys were allowed to pose in videos with shirts off, or white shirts that have been wet, bringing the abs and pecs to the forefront. If a female pop star engaged in this "wet t-shirt contest" behavior, she is a slut. It's all connected to the incredibly sexist and ancient double standard. A man can sleep with 5 women and be "the man", a woman sleeps with 5 guys and she's a dirty whore. The same idea extends to attire and behavior.  

                                        

I know many people aren't serious, and people often throw these words around as more of an attempt to be humorous. I do a have a sense of humor and can laugh about it. I realize these are media figures we're talking about, and they are going to be overtly scrutinized no matter what, but these are issues I see everyday in the context of the real world, and this is a problem we need to address. I'm simply tiring of women who show off their body being labeled this way. I'm sure not many of us know these women personally, nor do we know the intimate details of their sex lives, so how about we stop the juvenile, baseless judgement?